What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?

And i lived it daily.

The only rule us 5 kids had .

But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!

How do I maintain and care for granite countertops in a coastal climate like Pompano Beach?

I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.

We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.

So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.

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I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.

She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!

I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.

If an abortion doesn’t affect you, why do people make it a big deal?

The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.

I have no regrets .

Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.

Why do some men like older women?

For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)

I suffer greatly, because of BPD..

I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!

How do I run away? I'm 15 and live in Oklahoma.

I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.

At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.

I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .

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He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.

Ive learnt so much.

As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.

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My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .

Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!

But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,

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I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.

You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .

Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.

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She found it foreign!.

Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.

It was going to be , some day.

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I was seconnd youngest,

She wouldn,t have been !

And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)

A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.

They are buried together, in the same grave..

Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.

Why did i forgive my father ?

He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!

Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!

Im still living with it.

She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.

So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.

But im an empath, and i help lots of people.

He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.

Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..

I was writing from the time i was a small child.

Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.

And, all my friends down the years ,where users.

Im dying but, im not bitter.

Would this be the day?

I write beautiful poetry .

She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.

He knew the spot.

My family never makes their pension either.

I was 9 years of age.

Especially a lifetime of it.

On the 31st of Jan this month .

All the time i was locked up.

We were not on the streets..

Put me off passion for life!!

I think the readers, may guess!

I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.

Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.

And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.

My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.

As i do to all so called friends.?

But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.

This is soul school!.

And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .

But im dying ,and its too late for me.

The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!

Comes on , in middle age.

5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.

I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor

As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!

With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.

.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them

Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other

Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.

And who doesn’t know suffering?

I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.

My life is so biszare .

Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..

My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.

Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years

But, we were locked up after school.

She was a women, a mother with her own children!.

I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.

He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.

One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.

I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)

I might have to go back 30 generations or more..

As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!

My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.

My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.

My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!

It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.

What did i know ?

And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!

Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.

Its mostly always from childhood abuse .

He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.

We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!

And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!

Who then, do I blame.?

I of course replied” arh beautiful!

I waited trembling.

Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!

Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.

One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.

Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.

Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.

He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!

She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!

His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!

Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.

The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,

Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.

He resisted the act ,that day.

BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.

I said to her

I know ,a lot about trauma.

So whats the point in blame.

I couldn’t, believe it.

He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .

But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!

It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.

He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.

As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.

This is how, and why children get BPD.

He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!

My mum and dad in the seventies!

I don,t even have a pension.

She died at 55 of colon cancer.

Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)

But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).

Was to survive, this bastard.

Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..

I could never make a relationship work though!

Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.

I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.

The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..

But ive been too sick for many years..

They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?

Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t

One cannot hold on to bitterness.

I did it because my mum asked me too!

Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.

We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.

Thats was my nicest nick name for him

But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!

Where the ultimate outsiders.

I had hoped to write a book about this .

I was scared of men, in general

That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.

I never cut or harmed myself..

She married twice! .

We all went to grammer schools

Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!

One cannot live in the past .

I will be 64.

But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .

But it wasn’t much.

And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!

Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.

Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?

Another so called friend had bit the dust..

I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.

When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!

(And it was in our own minds.)

Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..

Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.

So, i spoilt her more .

Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.

We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..

We could never speak unless he spoke to us!

He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!

As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)

19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.

I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.

I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers

Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.

Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.

Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.

I was very sick at this time too.

She was in good health!

She loved him until the end.

When she asked me how she looked .

His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.

But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !

Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life

Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!

She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!

He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!

I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.

One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)

And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!

He was dying to do it , i knew.

I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!

You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.